on having to wake up alone

yesterday i made homemade pasta.
i didn't have a recipe or anything, but i was watching PBS and they made pasta on a cooking show and i just sort of.. guessed.
actually i let the dough sit for a day because in the middle of making it, caroline came over unexpectedly and i went to denton with her for the night.
i didnt have a pasta press, so i just used a rolling pin and rolled it out very thin.
it was really rewarding. to cut the noodles into thin strips and get to boil them instantly.
i tossed my pasta with olive oil, tomato and basil.
it was really good.
to have the flour on my shirt and just get to put my weight into cooking again[literally.. you need to use your weight to knead the dough]
i spent three years of my life in a kitchen creating food for people to appreciate and love.
somehow, though.. when i left denton, i left my desire to cook also.
somewhere packed up in my boxes of knives and spices, that desire is waiting to be reopened.
when i was in denton, i also got to cook.
i made "chicken on a can"
which is basically a roasted chicken with a can of orange soda in itso that the orange cooks into the meat and vegetables.
i pierced garlic cloves int othe meat and tossed potato, onion, tomato, and broccoli around the chicken.
it was a great meal..
i don't know if i love cooking as much as the actual feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.
its one of the things i have truly vested much of my heart into...
and though i know that i wont ever want to cook again as my career choice.. it did remind me that when i do get it in my head [and heart] that i want to do something, i don't let much stand in my way.
and i cant wait for this next stage of my life.

i've spent a long time resting.. just over a year now.. and i feel that it may be time to find out what is in store for me.
i know i cant stay in the same place.
part of me staying here for so long has been fear.
i am so afraid of being alone..
and i mean that on every level possible.

we'll see what happens.

rest

i've begun running.
literally? or figuratively...

God is not going to let me down.
he is making that very apparent.

he will always follow through.
even when others let me down, when i let myself down.
the Lord triumphantly returns.
lifts me up. and carries me to the next place of rest.

off her rocker

boomerang bangs.
watch out.

more and more and more

well, after much thought and panick and prayer
i know what ia m supposed to do.
of course, its nothing even close to what i thought it would be
but its been weighing heavily on me
and i know its what i am supposed to do right now.
i am scared and nervous and so unbelievably excited.
i'll dig deeper into this later.
but this is somethign i knwo that i have to do in order to feel like i can do anything i put my mind to.
it may take a while, but i dont think i can let myself down.
not anymore.
when i say something, whatever it is. i mean it. and i dont let my "right now" thought process get in the way.
so in writing this, i am making it legitamate.
even if you have no idea what i am talking about.
i am holding myself to it.
i'm not one to back out of anything i start.
and thats not something thats going to change.

i am beginning to suprise myself.
actually, God is beginning to suprise me.
more and more and more.
i just have to remember to keep listening.

whew!

i thought about that

my webcam turns all my black t shirts purple?
i dont really understand why.. maybe i should wear more of it.
i'll look into that.

today was awesome.
it was like.. 70 degrees, so i hopped in the shark [top soo down]
wearing the op shorts, flip flops and a hoodie and i went to super target
i am so excited about fall coming!
i bought my mom a cordless phone for her birthday.
heres to hoping she doesnt know how to get to this website.

wilco was on david letterman
and john heder[napoleon dynamite] was on jimmy kimmel

i never thought of myself as 'someone who watches talk shows'
but apparently thats pretty much all i watch.
[see also: oprah winfrey]
unless its pbs.
last night i couldnt go to sleep until the peter, paul and mary hosted pledge drive was over. like seriously could not go to sleep!
as a result of that.. i overslept 2 hours.
and i totally didnt even get in trouble.
!

i am feeling very alive.
praise God!

2000

i don't know whats happening.
all i can do is keep praying.

the longer i lay here

"i need a miracle. someone to help me help myself" -david bazan



i do not know what i would do without you lou.
thank-you for being such a blessing.
thank-you for reminding me the importance of fellowship.

church tonight sucked.
seeing as pastor is out of town, ____ "played pastor"
and i just left feeling very disappointed in today.
it was so redundant and UGH!
i am so mad right now.
i shouldnt even be writing this.
i feel like she was preeching so much and repeating the same things that people started acting like fools so that she would just stop with her redundancy.
i also felt like she was rooting for everyone to get drunk in the holy spirit, almost forcefully, so that she wouldnt feel so self concious with a bunch of unimpressed kids staring at her.
i walked in completely ready for a touch from God, and left feeling like i should have stayed home.
i've never seen such a display of chaos.
well, i have.. but this was certainly negative.
it seemed to somehow falsify my belief that she was ready to be a pastor.
ughhhh!!!

make that TWO flat tires.
last week[since its sunday] was VERY trying.
and this start does not look good.

maybe i ought to.....

my favorite time
is
when the sunshine
shines
through the clouds
in parallel lines
breaking in the sky
between
the blues
and
the whites.

amen.

breath

of fresh air!

the fact that i am continually reminded that i am a trooper [despite all the trials i continually face] really helps me out a lot.
you're given what you can handle, and suprisingly, that includes support.
i'm just so painfully thankful for every person in my life.
especially those of you who continue to remind me that i really am a good person.

i'm so glad tomorrow is sunday!

hopefully ka and his lady will be at church.

it will be really great to see their faces.

despite today being so long and trying, it was full of talks of faith, love and reminding myself that i am never satisfied with just knowing how to do one thing.
it was brought to my attention, that though i havent finished college, i have learned a a miriad of things i would have never learned how to do had i not followed that path i chose.
i've learned such profound lessons and i don't know if i have ever been as satisfied with myself as i am right now.
not to say i am happy to stay where i am, but i am excited to find out where i go next.

have you ever actually thoguht about how great the concept of every day is a new day its fascinating.
mindblowing.
and so true.
each day is a fresh start!
[even if your day wasn't bad, the next holds the chance for completely new experiences]
i can not wait for tomorrow..

and this all came from a flat tire...

college dropout

my day was just made instantly better
because
kanye west is on jimmy kimmel

"the way kathy lee needed regis, thats the way i need jesus"

heres all i know.

all i really did today was read and take a bath.
i had a lot of things i NEEDED to do, and i basically just layed around all day.
my focus was lacking and i feel like i have absolutely no direction.
i'm absolutely dreading going to work the next 3 days.
weekends are bad enough, then you add the fact that its tax free weekend AND friends and family weekend..
its like retail hell.
i dont know why i get so stressed out about life.
its like i KNOW how to live right and i can apply it for a little while.
then i just fall down.
but ah.
i'm just sad i guess.
my sisters are going to college and moving out and i'm going to be here alone with my dying miserable parents asking me for moneyand screaming at me and with no friends.
there is ZERO positivity in this place..
i'm really really afraid of the days to come.

i don't want to be like this.

i don't know what to do right now.

i'll just keep praying for answers, i guess.

oh!

him: what are you doing in 15 hours?
her: !
her: talking to you
him: awww
him: yes.
him: I was hoping you'd say
her: "going to lunch with you"
him: "driving my boyfriend back to Dallas"

what a creator!

so the Lord never ceases to amaze me...
I mean, after all, he DID create us so anything is possible.. right?
If before tonight I had any inkling whatsoever that he may not be working miracles, its been completely wiped away.

Going to church tonight, I knew big things were in store. I knew God was waiting to burst in and do works that would add some sort of validity to our faith.
WELL!
praise God!
The service started off normal enough. As normal as can be at DBC.
We prayed and sang and things were going good. God was moving and I could absolutely feel his presence surging through the room.
I've always heard pastor Cleetus talk about gold dust raining on everyone covering things, fillings turning gold etc. But I've always remained skeptical because 'that type of thing just does not happen.'
I couldn't have been more wrong!
As we prayed, we asked for fire to fill our hands. That the lord would bless us and change us and start a fire[etc etc same ol]
Well as we moved on, I felt like I couldnt close my hands. They were physically heavy. I couldnt stop holding them out in praise..it was like i was holding a weight and I couldnt let go of it, I could share it but it wouldnt subside.
I tried to ignore it and just rest my hands in my lap as Pastor went on, but it was soon brought to my attention that many of the other people in church.. I would say nearly half were experiencing the exact same thing.
It was so insane. I've never seen or experienced anything like it. Something was obviously going on so we started to pray and ask God to continue to move.
OUR HANDS!
a person across the room noticed it first.. little sparkles on their hands..
I looked down and they were forming on my hands as well!
I didn't know what to do. I was elated. I just submerged myself in prayer.
As I continued to pray, glancing down every few minutes more and more showed up until it was completely visible. gold dust!
we always pray for gold, and there- before my own skeptic sight!
a miracle!
So as to not assume I was seeing things, I went and sat with my sisters and their friend Braidy, who had never attended church before. It was apparent they all were experiencing the same thing. The fire had came down from heaven. Meri was sweating and a burn-like welt appeared on her hand. They too had gold dust covering their hands. Noone ever saw it fall, but it definately formed on a majority of the people in attendances hands.
I was afraid to touch anything for fear it would disappear.
I can't explain it. But I am certain it was the Lord moving.

what a wonderful and magnificent creator we have.
my mind is absolutely blown.
praise God!

focus factor

i thought i had something to update but nothing is new.
i wish it wasn't so expensive to exist.
i had a really bratty day..
fortunately it was made better this evening.