on having to wake up alone

yesterday i made homemade pasta.
i didn't have a recipe or anything, but i was watching PBS and they made pasta on a cooking show and i just sort of.. guessed.
actually i let the dough sit for a day because in the middle of making it, caroline came over unexpectedly and i went to denton with her for the night.
i didnt have a pasta press, so i just used a rolling pin and rolled it out very thin.
it was really rewarding. to cut the noodles into thin strips and get to boil them instantly.
i tossed my pasta with olive oil, tomato and basil.
it was really good.
to have the flour on my shirt and just get to put my weight into cooking again[literally.. you need to use your weight to knead the dough]
i spent three years of my life in a kitchen creating food for people to appreciate and love.
somehow, though.. when i left denton, i left my desire to cook also.
somewhere packed up in my boxes of knives and spices, that desire is waiting to be reopened.
when i was in denton, i also got to cook.
i made "chicken on a can"
which is basically a roasted chicken with a can of orange soda in itso that the orange cooks into the meat and vegetables.
i pierced garlic cloves int othe meat and tossed potato, onion, tomato, and broccoli around the chicken.
it was a great meal..
i don't know if i love cooking as much as the actual feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.
its one of the things i have truly vested much of my heart into...
and though i know that i wont ever want to cook again as my career choice.. it did remind me that when i do get it in my head [and heart] that i want to do something, i don't let much stand in my way.
and i cant wait for this next stage of my life.

i've spent a long time resting.. just over a year now.. and i feel that it may be time to find out what is in store for me.
i know i cant stay in the same place.
part of me staying here for so long has been fear.
i am so afraid of being alone..
and i mean that on every level possible.

we'll see what happens.