simple

six days to a fresh start.

ten white knuckles.

white trash

I AM 31% WHITE TRASH! The white trash in my blood will not keep me from becoming a doctor or a lawyer, but it will keep me from a good haircut and any sort of fashion sense. Take the WHITE TRASH test at Fuali.com

help! i need somebody

my 'to do' list is about a mile long
and i'm searching for eagerness.

help!

love,
katie

i'm doing my best

Christmas was awesome.
I love my sisters.
everyone was here except Gretchen, and hopefully we'll get to see her this week..
Caroline came over and we went to Shils house to feed enid
We watched Napoleon Dynamite
and complimented it with corona...

in two weeks i'll be moving into my new apartment.
i can not explain the level of elation i am at..

I've got to go pack...

I thank God for each one of you.

time off well deserved.

somehow i have remained oblivious to the fact that i've been accumulating truckloads of PTO[paid time off]
so January is going to be awesome as i have close to 3 weeks worth of vacation time i need to take that i had no idea i had..

v a c a t i o n !

God is so awesome!

tomorrow is going to be busy..
doctors appointment
apply for apartment
work 3-midnight
saturday is almost here...

dont x-out your savior

when the clock strikes eleven eleven, i can't help but make a wish.

it feels like winter in texas.
finally!

i recieved three thank-you's in the mail today.
all for unrelated things
and boy am i glad those are popular again.
thank-you's i mean.

thank God for every breath thats in these lungs.
for every stone unturned
and the doors we have yet to open
for the renewal of our minds
the breaking of our hearts
and the healing of our hopes.

thank God for not seeing
but knowing.

all these lists of gifts
for[giving]
and
for[getting]

have we forgotten the true meaning of christmas?

pajama party

i must have the cutest kitty on earth!

i have the day off
and i dont have 900 things to do
praise God!
Caroline and I are going to go apartment hunting.
[hopefully]
thats the plan, though i havent heard from her.
hopefully we get together early so i can go to church tonight.

I'm starting to get really excited about moving.

fresh start

i had x rays on my chest, back and abdomen
blood drawn
and an EKG
i also got to get naked for a woman
talk about excitement!
4 prescriptions later, heres to hoping i am on the highway to health..

WHEW.

is it january yet?

foosh ball

i am quite fond of dance dance revolution.

phone call

"if this is only a test
i hope that i'm passing
'cause i'm losing steam
and i still want to trust you"

something about the holidays makes me wish i could fight through them in peace.

this is the first year in a series of many that i wont be on routine, and though i will admit i am over it...i still have to figure out what to do with myself.

things are changing and i just can't help but praise god.

we had turkey of the "oprahs favorite things 2003" persuasion
trade in your trouser socks for slippers
i cant help but go home alone to shine my pointy shoes.

safety in numbers

"I wish I could melt the miles into minutes,
and hold you in my arms for hours;
letting you know that it's all going to be alright"


((...and it will be alright
I know everything will be fine))

more photos...

pumpkin carving; ie: letting your light shine...


mine is front and center.

best friends

photobooth//10.16.2004

sillyyumm

me[on the right eating cookies] at bible study.

check out the "omg i love oatmeal raisin cookies" face
!!

filling up the space i never intended to

You know that point in your life that the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore. That idea of home is gone. Maybe that's all family really is, a group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
-Andrew Largeman


i am cat-sitting at shils.
hes in new york at cmj attending all the parties
i hope he is having an awesome time.
i know he is.

i get to inhabit his otherwise humanless home.
the peace is nice, as well as the quiet.

so tonight i sit and i meditate.
i long for the greens and golds
of the changing leaves
in midwestern states.
there is a chill tonight
and somehow
i feel so comfortable
knowing all men
must breathe
the same air.
that is something we are all equally afforded.
air.
thats very sobering, isn't it?
it is something none of us can do without.
we can purify it to an extent, as we do with water...but we all draw it from the same place.
and we can't bottle our air so much to a point that we will never be exposed to the impurities that lie within it.
but with all the impurities, it still has a sweetness.
it has a way of creeping onto our lips...
so silently
so secretly
that we don't even realize it is sustaining us.
no matter what our race/religion/sex/status.
no matter how big our bank account is...
we all breathe the same air.

i am eleven.
just touched the bottom of the pool
oh yes.
fifteen feet deep
fingers on the drain
you know the rules
up up up up up!
GASP!
its rushing into my lungs
so fast i cough
gimme more.

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble

"when we empty the trash from our hearts, we must be quick to fill it back up witht he Lord or else more trash will quickly fill its place"

How true is that?!
Seriously.
One of the things that I find so difficult about the christian life is the constant binge and purge of emotions. Thats not to say that I don't absolutely cherish every bit of it...it's just tiring.
So how do i find that balance?
Pull out my grace card?
I find myself using it probably too frequently, honestly, and thats something I need to change immediately.
We all do it, but how do we quit?
Its a tricky dillema.
The Lord gives us grace. Obviously it was his intention. However, we constantly do things KNOWING we are going to have to repent. So why do we continue to do these things? On paper it sounds so easy. Its so black and white. Don't sin. Do your best. If you do sin, its not necessairily okay, but you can be forgiven...we just expect change.
In real life, its less than easy. I'd go as far as to say it is a constant struggle I face.
Its that expected change that doesn't come so easy.
How do you remove the flesh from your heart?
What about ME as an individual?
Its very simple...right?
Well yes, but its also very difficult.
You have to keep yourself in constant check. Always putting yourself back in line.
Emotions are very powerful. Theres no doubt.

God is amazing in the fact that through him, we can accomplish anything we ask him to set our hearts to be ready for.
Its just a matter of actually being willing to do whatever it is he says is right.
He tells us when to put something on hold, when we need to put things aside. When we need to slow down for our own good.
I am willing. PRAISE GOD! I am finally willing.
I've said I was before, but I've held back. In some way or another. Whether it be my pride, my money, my time or even my thoughts. I havent completely given him what he deserves. Not that any of us are fully capable of giving him as much as he would ever deserve. But together in fellowship, we can at least come closer.
I've just got to keep praying and keep asking him to show me the areas of my heart that I need to work on so that I can serve him completely.

i'm reading boy meets girl
too many mentions in such a short period of time made me feel like i was delaying the inevitable.
and my goodness!
what a revelation!

my confidence in the Lord is s o a r i n g.
i am patient
yet
i can't sit still
!
praise God!

on another note:
last night i did punkrock karaoke and it was quite possibly the funnest thing ever!
stay tuned for photos.

commiting commerce

20% of americans consume 80% of the goods sold here.

all i want to do is eat cookies, knit, cry and listen to jeff tweedy sing.

oh!hormones...

to learn more, talk to your doctor

"my mother once told me that if you've already thought it you've already sinned so you might as well say it" -ashleigh

two or four bits or pieces?

One thing I have found that is most difficult in this life we have on earth, is knowing you've met [and known for the upwards of five years for that matter] the person that was made for you.
What is even more difficult is the fear of thinking how it would ever work out.
And worse yet, is the matter of completely avoiding the topic of obvious perfectness for fear you are only being humored as to not have your feelings hurt.
I'd imagine thats probably the rejected child/teenager in me.
Then again, I never offerd myself to anyone to actually get to know me until i was roughly eighteen.
I doubt I would change anything given the chance.
I battle with feelings of ultimate contentment and absolute helplessness.
This wouldn't be such a terrible thing if I was not so sure of the fact that you never get to feel like you are satisfied with what you're doing.
There will always be the constant drive inside of us to what more money/love/success/luxury items/muscles/food/(fill in the blank)/friends.

OH! to have been born a simpleton.....

I've had a good few days.
Good, not great though.

I could talk about the clothes I bought(because I bought some very nice things).
I could talk about the people I hung out with(for once, I had company).
But it really doesn't even matter..
I can not shake this vitamin taste.

on having to wake up alone

yesterday i made homemade pasta.
i didn't have a recipe or anything, but i was watching PBS and they made pasta on a cooking show and i just sort of.. guessed.
actually i let the dough sit for a day because in the middle of making it, caroline came over unexpectedly and i went to denton with her for the night.
i didnt have a pasta press, so i just used a rolling pin and rolled it out very thin.
it was really rewarding. to cut the noodles into thin strips and get to boil them instantly.
i tossed my pasta with olive oil, tomato and basil.
it was really good.
to have the flour on my shirt and just get to put my weight into cooking again[literally.. you need to use your weight to knead the dough]
i spent three years of my life in a kitchen creating food for people to appreciate and love.
somehow, though.. when i left denton, i left my desire to cook also.
somewhere packed up in my boxes of knives and spices, that desire is waiting to be reopened.
when i was in denton, i also got to cook.
i made "chicken on a can"
which is basically a roasted chicken with a can of orange soda in itso that the orange cooks into the meat and vegetables.
i pierced garlic cloves int othe meat and tossed potato, onion, tomato, and broccoli around the chicken.
it was a great meal..
i don't know if i love cooking as much as the actual feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.
its one of the things i have truly vested much of my heart into...
and though i know that i wont ever want to cook again as my career choice.. it did remind me that when i do get it in my head [and heart] that i want to do something, i don't let much stand in my way.
and i cant wait for this next stage of my life.

i've spent a long time resting.. just over a year now.. and i feel that it may be time to find out what is in store for me.
i know i cant stay in the same place.
part of me staying here for so long has been fear.
i am so afraid of being alone..
and i mean that on every level possible.

we'll see what happens.

rest

i've begun running.
literally? or figuratively...

God is not going to let me down.
he is making that very apparent.

he will always follow through.
even when others let me down, when i let myself down.
the Lord triumphantly returns.
lifts me up. and carries me to the next place of rest.

off her rocker

boomerang bangs.
watch out.

more and more and more

well, after much thought and panick and prayer
i know what ia m supposed to do.
of course, its nothing even close to what i thought it would be
but its been weighing heavily on me
and i know its what i am supposed to do right now.
i am scared and nervous and so unbelievably excited.
i'll dig deeper into this later.
but this is somethign i knwo that i have to do in order to feel like i can do anything i put my mind to.
it may take a while, but i dont think i can let myself down.
not anymore.
when i say something, whatever it is. i mean it. and i dont let my "right now" thought process get in the way.
so in writing this, i am making it legitamate.
even if you have no idea what i am talking about.
i am holding myself to it.
i'm not one to back out of anything i start.
and thats not something thats going to change.

i am beginning to suprise myself.
actually, God is beginning to suprise me.
more and more and more.
i just have to remember to keep listening.

whew!

i thought about that

my webcam turns all my black t shirts purple?
i dont really understand why.. maybe i should wear more of it.
i'll look into that.

today was awesome.
it was like.. 70 degrees, so i hopped in the shark [top soo down]
wearing the op shorts, flip flops and a hoodie and i went to super target
i am so excited about fall coming!
i bought my mom a cordless phone for her birthday.
heres to hoping she doesnt know how to get to this website.

wilco was on david letterman
and john heder[napoleon dynamite] was on jimmy kimmel

i never thought of myself as 'someone who watches talk shows'
but apparently thats pretty much all i watch.
[see also: oprah winfrey]
unless its pbs.
last night i couldnt go to sleep until the peter, paul and mary hosted pledge drive was over. like seriously could not go to sleep!
as a result of that.. i overslept 2 hours.
and i totally didnt even get in trouble.
!

i am feeling very alive.
praise God!

2000

i don't know whats happening.
all i can do is keep praying.

the longer i lay here

"i need a miracle. someone to help me help myself" -david bazan



i do not know what i would do without you lou.
thank-you for being such a blessing.
thank-you for reminding me the importance of fellowship.

church tonight sucked.
seeing as pastor is out of town, ____ "played pastor"
and i just left feeling very disappointed in today.
it was so redundant and UGH!
i am so mad right now.
i shouldnt even be writing this.
i feel like she was preeching so much and repeating the same things that people started acting like fools so that she would just stop with her redundancy.
i also felt like she was rooting for everyone to get drunk in the holy spirit, almost forcefully, so that she wouldnt feel so self concious with a bunch of unimpressed kids staring at her.
i walked in completely ready for a touch from God, and left feeling like i should have stayed home.
i've never seen such a display of chaos.
well, i have.. but this was certainly negative.
it seemed to somehow falsify my belief that she was ready to be a pastor.
ughhhh!!!

make that TWO flat tires.
last week[since its sunday] was VERY trying.
and this start does not look good.

maybe i ought to.....

my favorite time
is
when the sunshine
shines
through the clouds
in parallel lines
breaking in the sky
between
the blues
and
the whites.

amen.

breath

of fresh air!

the fact that i am continually reminded that i am a trooper [despite all the trials i continually face] really helps me out a lot.
you're given what you can handle, and suprisingly, that includes support.
i'm just so painfully thankful for every person in my life.
especially those of you who continue to remind me that i really am a good person.

i'm so glad tomorrow is sunday!

hopefully ka and his lady will be at church.

it will be really great to see their faces.

despite today being so long and trying, it was full of talks of faith, love and reminding myself that i am never satisfied with just knowing how to do one thing.
it was brought to my attention, that though i havent finished college, i have learned a a miriad of things i would have never learned how to do had i not followed that path i chose.
i've learned such profound lessons and i don't know if i have ever been as satisfied with myself as i am right now.
not to say i am happy to stay where i am, but i am excited to find out where i go next.

have you ever actually thoguht about how great the concept of every day is a new day its fascinating.
mindblowing.
and so true.
each day is a fresh start!
[even if your day wasn't bad, the next holds the chance for completely new experiences]
i can not wait for tomorrow..

and this all came from a flat tire...

college dropout

my day was just made instantly better
because
kanye west is on jimmy kimmel

"the way kathy lee needed regis, thats the way i need jesus"

heres all i know.

all i really did today was read and take a bath.
i had a lot of things i NEEDED to do, and i basically just layed around all day.
my focus was lacking and i feel like i have absolutely no direction.
i'm absolutely dreading going to work the next 3 days.
weekends are bad enough, then you add the fact that its tax free weekend AND friends and family weekend..
its like retail hell.
i dont know why i get so stressed out about life.
its like i KNOW how to live right and i can apply it for a little while.
then i just fall down.
but ah.
i'm just sad i guess.
my sisters are going to college and moving out and i'm going to be here alone with my dying miserable parents asking me for moneyand screaming at me and with no friends.
there is ZERO positivity in this place..
i'm really really afraid of the days to come.

i don't want to be like this.

i don't know what to do right now.

i'll just keep praying for answers, i guess.

oh!

him: what are you doing in 15 hours?
her: !
her: talking to you
him: awww
him: yes.
him: I was hoping you'd say
her: "going to lunch with you"
him: "driving my boyfriend back to Dallas"

what a creator!

so the Lord never ceases to amaze me...
I mean, after all, he DID create us so anything is possible.. right?
If before tonight I had any inkling whatsoever that he may not be working miracles, its been completely wiped away.

Going to church tonight, I knew big things were in store. I knew God was waiting to burst in and do works that would add some sort of validity to our faith.
WELL!
praise God!
The service started off normal enough. As normal as can be at DBC.
We prayed and sang and things were going good. God was moving and I could absolutely feel his presence surging through the room.
I've always heard pastor Cleetus talk about gold dust raining on everyone covering things, fillings turning gold etc. But I've always remained skeptical because 'that type of thing just does not happen.'
I couldn't have been more wrong!
As we prayed, we asked for fire to fill our hands. That the lord would bless us and change us and start a fire[etc etc same ol]
Well as we moved on, I felt like I couldnt close my hands. They were physically heavy. I couldnt stop holding them out in praise..it was like i was holding a weight and I couldnt let go of it, I could share it but it wouldnt subside.
I tried to ignore it and just rest my hands in my lap as Pastor went on, but it was soon brought to my attention that many of the other people in church.. I would say nearly half were experiencing the exact same thing.
It was so insane. I've never seen or experienced anything like it. Something was obviously going on so we started to pray and ask God to continue to move.
OUR HANDS!
a person across the room noticed it first.. little sparkles on their hands..
I looked down and they were forming on my hands as well!
I didn't know what to do. I was elated. I just submerged myself in prayer.
As I continued to pray, glancing down every few minutes more and more showed up until it was completely visible. gold dust!
we always pray for gold, and there- before my own skeptic sight!
a miracle!
So as to not assume I was seeing things, I went and sat with my sisters and their friend Braidy, who had never attended church before. It was apparent they all were experiencing the same thing. The fire had came down from heaven. Meri was sweating and a burn-like welt appeared on her hand. They too had gold dust covering their hands. Noone ever saw it fall, but it definately formed on a majority of the people in attendances hands.
I was afraid to touch anything for fear it would disappear.
I can't explain it. But I am certain it was the Lord moving.

what a wonderful and magnificent creator we have.
my mind is absolutely blown.
praise God!

focus factor

i thought i had something to update but nothing is new.
i wish it wasn't so expensive to exist.
i had a really bratty day..
fortunately it was made better this evening.

CAUTION:explosives

My skin crawled with anticipation all day as I watched the clock tick-tock.
I was ready to be off.
or
I did not want to be at work.
I only worked 12-7, but thoughts of being anywhere but the mall filled me so full they were spilling from my rims!
[glasses joke]
I guess you could say my eyes sparkled. Celebratory champagne.
Today was going to be a good day.
I was certain of it when I woke up.
I was still certain of it when my car was full of steam from my rain covered seats mixing with the texas morning heat bath. So what if it smells like a wet dog, right?
Gag me.
I digress.
things have been good lately. very good.
I love that I am changing daily.
I love the freedom I have been handed for simply giving myself to God.
Things keep getting better and better.
!
after work today, I went upstairs to the movie theatre. I stood in line and had every intention of finally seeing Napoleon Dynamite[spelling?]
but for some reason, I turned around and left.
probably because it was friday night and every 11 year old in north dallas was there and I didnt want my solo movie voyage to be ruined by the beeps and bloops of text messages sounding while braces faces kissed painfully in front of me..
I'll go to the matinee next week.
it'll be less expensive, anyway.

skinny fingers slinky stingers

i have never been so excited for the future and what it has in store as i am right now.

well

i'm just trying to figure out how this works..